The Darkest Day of the Year Approaches

I don't like the "disorder" part of "seasonal affective disorder". (also, what a shitty acronym!). I feel pretty affected by how much sunlight/daylight i'm getting but i don't really feel the need to paint it as some huge flaw of mine, or as a horrible weakness. I just spend more time in bed, expect a little less of myself, rely on my friends a little more to keep me going.

And, that's the thing i've been figuring out lately. I spent some time reading old journals, thinking back over the past few years, and the times when i've been really unexcited about everything, right down to existing in the first place, are times when i'm not spending quality time with other human beings.

Winnipeg has been tough because i'm not super close to many people here yet. (other than a certain amazing person who i love dearly).

I miss being able to walk down the street and hang out in the kitchen with a bunch of other kids who also don't work and like to hang out and make art and play music. I miss the ones who are always making things and finding reasons to get people together, I miss that one who's always joyfully making strange things out of ceramics, i miss that one who stayed up all night telling me wonderful stories about his family, i miss that one who checked in on me when i seemed particularly depressed, i miss the one who crisply and politely asked the most direct questions, i miss the one that would get so excited about everything and play fiddle like a madman, i miss all the kids taking photos and lovingly documenting things, i miss the one i played very old nintendo games with, i miss the calm, joyful way those other ones were ready to subvert everything, as though it was only natural to do so, i miss the strange electronic creations of my favourite computer genius, i miss the one i often drank tea with, listening to their complicated and wonderful analyses of class and oppression, i miss that one that i made a rap album with, who lovably does whatever the fuck she wants, i miss that one who seemed so quiet and complacent but always remembered the crowbar when we went where we weren't supposed to, i miss the one who couldn't walk down the stairs from my apartment without jumping most of them and doing a ninja-like 360 on the way down, i miss that one who introduced me to the idea of listening to two tapes at the same time, and the one i played ping pong in the bathroom with, and the ones who dressed up ridiculously just to go stand on the corner and confuse people. just to name a few.

These are the people that reflect my excitement back to me and keep it alive. these are the people whose actions excite me. I miss you all dearly.

It's 30 below!

This is the existence i've dreaded for the last few months. maybe even since i moved here. possibly since i first thought of moving here.

After ten minutes outside, my scarf is frosty and i can't feel my fingers and toes. There's ice on the INSIDES of the doors and walls of the house.

But i'd forgotten! I'd totally forgotten how clear the air seems when it's this cold, how everything sparkles when it's coated in ice, the beautiful angle of winter light, the way snow muffles everything like a blanket, the way untouched snow glitters, and reminds me of being a kid and walking around in winter, of the icy eternity of prairie in winter and how much respect i have for it, and how much bigger and older and more important it is than this foul city and the people crawling all over it.

And, i'd forgotten how much more of a pleasure it is to arrive, when you've worked hard to get there. I walked into the drag on saturday to pick up food not bombs and was so pleased to see so many people i knew, and so happy to just sit down with them, and the cold outside, rather than being oppressive, just made me enjoy their company even more.

Maybe i'll be less excited when it's 40 below. But so far, so good.

How to get a "Sick Pack"; Three Easy Steps!

1. Get a cold or flu.. preferably something that will make you cough a lot and be very uninterested in food.
2. Cough a lot, for a few days. Make sure to use all your abdominal muscles while coughing. You'll know you're doing a good job when your ribs start to hurt.
3. For the same few days, be nauseous, eat very little.

Ta-da! I have emerged from my sleepingbag/cocoon after three days and there they are, subtle but clearly there, the thing that every beach goer would die to have: nicely defined and clearly visible stomach muscles. All i had to do was suffer a few days of fever, headache and miserable hacking coughs from the depth of my lungs. I can't wait until the fashion industry finds a way to market this.

Next week: How to find out what your man ~really~ wants!

[this is all a joke. except that i have been miserably sick and did wake up with creepily well-defined ab muscles this morning. and so it goes.]

[oh, and, i'm getting better. hooray!]

Winterbiking in Winterpeg: an Incredibly Angry Tirade.

It snowed two weeks ago. There's lots of snow. The roads are rarely clean. Everyone's driving about half as fast as usual.

I feel like i'm a pretty considerate cyclist; while i do bike pretty defensively and take enough space to be safe, i'm pretty good about not blocking traffic, about communicating what i'm doing, signaling, etc, and, in these conditions, if i do have to take a lane in order to bike safely, i actually stop every so often to let cars get around me.

(In summer i bike in the parking lane, despite the fact that i'm constantly dodging the doors of people who can't get it through their heads to look before opening them. But in winter that part of the road is icy and uneven, and if i try biking there i'll basically end up bailing and possibly getting run over. )

Despite my being as considerate as i possibly can be, and despite the fact that the real problem is simply that the roads are terrible, and that i'm not affecting that grand picture very much by being there, (how long do i possibly hold anyone up? thirty seconds? a minute?) people say and do rude, borderline psychopathic things to me, every day. I constantly get screamed at by poor, suffering souls who have to drive 20 instead of 30 for a block or two until they can pass me. I get screamed at by people who could easily just pass me right there but for some reason still feel like it's necessary to honk at me and then try to THREATEN me with their VEHICLE by driving up beside me at my speed and then moving over towards me. (what the fuck! who threatens a human being with, literally, a ton, of metal?!). I get screamed at by some ignorant fuck for "not following the rules", (read, running a red light when the coast was clear, to GET AWAY from the traffic, which is to their advantage as well as mine.) I catch up with them, politely ask them if they were trying to communicate something, explain this, and am graced with more childlike profanity and then the person in question speeding away. I get screamed at, god knows why, for biking IN THE BIKE LANE on a bridge with two lanes for cars available and almost no other traffic.

Cyclists don't stop having rights just because the weather changes. Dear Winnipeg drivers: Fuck You. I hope you all die in a cancerous cloud of exhaust.

You are making me not want to leave my house. You are contributing to my winter depression. Although i've managed to be calm when i get the chance to actually have a talk with one of you self-centered fucks, you are making me incredibly angry. There are times when i feel like by the end of the winter i will either murder or be murdered by one of these people in a fit of rage which could come from either side, and the odds are not looking up for me, as i travel on a much smaller weapon.

p.s.: i know that some drivers are not assholes. for the love of god, please show yourselves before i lose all faith in humanity.

Wait! i Lied!

Having another blog that's strictly about things i'm making made me miss having a blog where i can wax philosophical. or whatever.
So, i'm not getting rid of this one. They can both exist. Hooray!

Over the last month i've been really focussed on building up my etsy store, and preparing for three holiday craft sales.
This might appear to be sort of uncharacteristic for someone who thinks that capitalism is inherently violent and consumerism is driving everything to destruction.

Sort of.

It's interesting trying to achieve, well, survival, and ideally autonomous survival (as opposed to being someone's employee), without "selling out". It's interesting thinking about things like how to sell my product and how to find my niche market while being fully aware that some (most?) of the things i make are useless material comforts, and that i'm selling them to, (read: comforting) people who are pretty privileged and might need something other than more comforts in their lives.

I could argue that almost everything i make is recycled, (hooray, we will save the environment and planet through tokenistic liberal environmentalism, etc etc!!!!!) but let's not fool ourselves. Recycled useless material products are still useless material products.

(there is an argument to be made for the value of beauty, or art, or whatever, which i do believe in sometimes. this is a whole other issue and i'm not going to tangle it into this one right now)

The truth, in the end, is that we are all already sold out, and that we need to do what we need to do.
This doesn't mean that everything is hopeless and that we should give up on all the ethical standards we try to hold ourselves to. This just means that i'd rather pay my rent by doing something which is not inherently radial than pay my rent by doing something not radical AND oppressive. (be employed).

The bad news is that nothing is perfect. The good news is that there is sooooo much exciting work to be done.

My Other Blog is a Mercedes.

Er, i mean, tumblr.
This blog is being phased out. my new one is a shared blog with dandy and we're basically using it to try and document every single thing we make. which is ambitious, because we make a lot of stuff.
Check it out:
http://www.ofcourseyoucandistro.com

Crusty Hairstyle Win!

In case anyone's unsure about this, i had this haircut before i found the comic.
The only thing i really don't have is the dreadlocks. anymore.






soooooo.... i guess this means i'm a crustpunk?

oh, and check out the zine this came from!